please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
