Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
