so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
