Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
