So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
