It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
