3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
