before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
