so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
