im having a threesome with these popsicles
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
