im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
