I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
