I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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