What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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