He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
