Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
