My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
