my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
