you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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