Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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