I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
