I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
