we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
