How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
