he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm both gender and math confused
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
