She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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