I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
