Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize