so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
