The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
