There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
