I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
