left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
