i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
