I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
