How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Randomize
