JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
