I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
