dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
