Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
