i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
