just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
