A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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