i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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