tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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