i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
