ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
