why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
