She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
