Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
