Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
