that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
