We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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