do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
