i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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