You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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