why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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