u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
pop tarts are not kleenex
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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