just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
