Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
