We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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